He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
