he looks like a really good dad on facebook
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
