Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
