Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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