I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
