The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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