got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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