I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
