if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize