please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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