atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I licked your asshole in confidence.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
