totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
