I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
