You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
