69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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