i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
