He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
