she was so not down for the gang bang
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
