He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
