I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
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