So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
