I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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