3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
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Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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