The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
