You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
