He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
