I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
