Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
