cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
