is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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