coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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