You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
