Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
