Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
