We're like a lot better than the average bears
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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