The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
