but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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