If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
