If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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