My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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