Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
