why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
