Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
