Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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