tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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