if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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