i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
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