I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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