So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
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