Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
