You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Randomize
