dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
